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2002-08-21

Danielle van Dam
B. 9.22.94 Texas / D. 2.2.02 San Diego
Homicide / Assault

Wondering where I put things takes no time at all relative to the hours I spend looking. Action with me, hop into action�action like a war, what I see when I picture myself in the midst of a search for something that�s missing from the place it should be. Why should�why missing? Not for me to say or wonder�robotic, emptied of thought, frenzied but cold, indifferent to bruises from door jambs�I look. When did it happen�I wonder�what day did I give up retracing my steps, have enough of deducing, decide that I�m no mastermind�only a grunt? Fit only to look. . .

Maybe I have lost my mind. That (above) was what I wrote tonight at Writing Group and this is what I did today, while the Westerfield verdict came through�I got so IN to Beth Karras of Court TV. Long before midnight I�ve already mentally wooed and won her dozens of times. Our Own Beth Karras, as my Nancy Grace calls her�and Hey Friend!�I knew she�d been impressing me, but who would have thought? A new love!

Guilty. You know I was undecided? Very late in the day before yesterday �Her blood on his clothes� got trapped in my head, where it set up an echo. Yet through its persistence I still wasn�t sure; and the thing was, I hadn�t spent any time in the same room with Westerfield. Sure I respect the system but primarily I trust the skin, the nose, the nerves, the sheathes of sensation to know and sing true. I trust the instincts of my fellow animals on the jury. Guilty.

How swiftly the facts fall into place. So he�d downloaded and saved a few live child-rape scenes along with a hundred thousand pieces of wholesome pornography�like it could happen to anyone. You know how those websites are. Thus the Westerfield trial. Starts the Westerfield penalty phase, there it is, plain as day, where I never saw it before: the hundred thousand other pieces of pornography were nothing but leather binding�respectable, misleading�a hollow volume of Boccaccio hiding his real collection from view.

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