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2001-02-12

Tonight I am so remorseful over my personal failures�over whatever it is, this nature in me which I cannot seem to curb when it starts assaulting the commandments, sometimes more than one a day. I am at the center of a swirling sea of guilt, I cannot cross the raging depths of my self-despair nor shield myself from an eye-stinging spray of regrets over my nastiness in public sometimes and my more frequent nastiness at home; my negligent ingratitude and my miserly ingratitude too; my poor-ness with money; my dull emotional evasions and quivering zoo animal refusal to trust; the several things I have written which are too mean to ever show anyone; my lies, procrastinations and mental addictions; my use of Napster�I hardly know where to begin.

I have decided not to see Hannibal. I read the book in borrowed hardback form while riding the subway back and forth to Queens with my mother during the 1999 US Open (remorse, over this habitual resort to escapist violence as my daughterly coping mechanism!), and enjoyed it. Subsequently, I�ve even defended the ending, and I was ready to see the movie; but they�ve cut out the bad guy�s lesbian sister and with her, I surmise, went the fratricide scene with the sperm sample and giant eel. So from me, the filmmakers can hope for a rental, at best�for my own part, I�m hopeful that by the time of the video release I shall have become peaceful and pure-hearted enough to abstain from their product completely.

Tomorrow I really must begin to change. These nightly resolutions to amend my life and stop being such a lazy unkind brute, have started to wear on my nerves almost as much as the constant signal barrage from my fight-or-flight system warning that all my faults and omissions are about to have consequences.

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