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2004-07-25

Kamo-no Chomei
B. Kyoto 1155 / D. Outside Kyoto 1216
Absence of Grief

I would hope to resume my contributions to the culture soon.
For now, I am too busy solacing myself to give,
too busy taking the weekend mornings for myself.
I read, but not to satiety:
too busy snacking to fill myself with words
I leave the books piled up or open on my bed.
Cold sausages
overripe apricots
leftover pasta
plums
I will return I will return I will return
to giving: I havenít lost the touch,
just time.
There I sat, prolonging Saturday to give myself an excuse for missing church:
I was too tired, my night too late;
I stayed up too late watching Night of the Iguana
(which had a Christian message anyway
somewhat Christian);
I was afraid of dying in my sleep and so I started writing:
I will return I will return I will return
to rigor, self-denial, and bracing face-slaps in the mirror.
My languishing is not conclusion.
When I can need less Iíll return some portion,
giving back.
Most languishing when nearest solace
such as baseball
buttered blueberry bread
Ava Gardner in the surf
my cat Fanny,
I offer smothered greetings from my weekend hideaway
where solace has its arms around my neck.
Wish you were here.

Consolation Site: Hojoki

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